Giving Birth to Myself

Education, life experiences and interest in meditation made me believed that when I face problems in life the best way to react to them is to define what the problems are, assess whether they require quick response or not, identify what the possible solutions are and find the best way to express my reaction. However, I also agree that some events require our 'reptile' instinct to react especially if it is related to our defense mechanism. Facing threats for example.

I am not a brain expert hence I cannot really explain what brain has to do with our reaction towards some event and why it differs from one event to another. There are a lot of references explaining that some part of your brain forms judgment and control impulses and emotion; while the other part is more instinctive and helps you survive. I’m simply not the right person to explain this, you can find yourself useful information on net. My point is regardless of how (unconsciously) my brain picks me my reaction, I always try to be conscious of my doing.

I like the idea that I am in control of myself. For example, when random people on the street did a stupid thing which annoyed me, I tried to control myself and find the best way to show my anger. But sometimes, things go fast without me being able to digest the situation first and I gave unpleasant reaction. For example, when my ego was hurt because my partner unintentionally said something. A few minutes later, I would try to put myself together and try to understand what just happened. I rationalized my doings and tried to understand things from his point of view. After that, I would decide how to make things up if I eventually was the 'wrong' one. This is a tiring exercise I must admit, but I love the feeling that I know myself. Somehow, I believe it is an achievement I make when growing up.

It was all fine and went well until another event happened in my life. I am blessed by having a chance to get pregnant. It's a whole new experience to me. I've never been so exhausted that I can stop anywhere and take a nap or been so overwhelmed by joy that I cried happily only by looking at a little creature kicking inside my womb when having an ultrasound.

The most important thing that changed is I feel like I have no control over my body and thought; and my body controls me instead. Whenever I'm hungry, I must eat. I no longer can talk to myself that I need to finish some works first before eating. Because the moment I try to delay it, my body will have its own way to show its anger: nausea and dizziness which last the whole day. When I feel I want to eat salty food, its urge is unstoppable. I used to have similar craving but instead of rushing to get what I wanted, I would try to find out what actually my body needs. Does it actually need calcium (I noticed after looking up the net), or do I just get bored so I need some snacks? But the urge during pregnancy can go wild and the best way to handle it is to trust my intuition. I now will just let my body tells me what to do then do that. I don't 'fight' with myself anymore. Even though it feels like I become a primitive being, I enjoy it.

Then I noticed something interesting. When I do all things my body told me to and listen to my intuition, I can become two different persons at the same time: the doer and the watcher. I can be someone who is waking up at 2 am for third dinner and someone who is smiling and watching a mommy having her third dinner. I know it's weird, yet I'm grateful of being able to experience this. After all, maybe I have to admit that I've never been in control of myself and the thought that I did have control was only illusion. And this time, I become a new 'me' by experiencing the doer, the watcher or both at the same time.

(Jun'14)